i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Congratulations! We have a period
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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