A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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