you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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