If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
