OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
