Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
