I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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