help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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