Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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