he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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