I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
