Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize