All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize