so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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