im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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