oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
two words...techno handjob
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
