I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize