Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
