tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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