I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
