Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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