I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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