ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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