my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I could fuck to npr.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
