woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
third nipple confirmed
Im part way to drunk.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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