My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
