life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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