dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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