sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
