Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
