I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize