kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
