I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
