Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
