you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
