she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
