The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
