You're my little dorito
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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