My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
