Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize