I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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