I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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