Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish you could order shots online.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
