he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
