My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
