The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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