Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
