I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
