i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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