first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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