2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
