i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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