So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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