I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
