It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
