My hand turned me down
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize