allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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