dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
