I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
