There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
