I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
