i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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