I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
