i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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