took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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