I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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